Monday, November 4, 2013

Twas the Day Before He Turned Five

I knew his birthday was going to be hard for me this year.  We never expected Nathan would be our last child.  We're not sure if he is, but God has said no to multiple pregnancies in the last three years.  

Three and four are my favorite ages.

And so there I was, spending my last day with my last four year old.  I've had over a decade of toddlers.  They've brought so much joy and innocence and sweetness to my days.  {I had a similar feeling to when I graduated from college.  I distinctly remember driving away out of Chicago feeling so sad.  I had looked forward to it my whole life, and then in an instant it was over.}  I'd actually been dreading his birthday.  For everything it represented.  No more toddlers.  I really really love toddlers.  I really really love babies.  I'm not ready to close this part of my life, but it feels, at times, that it's being forced upon me.  Still, I know that God has ordained this season of life, but it's not what I would've chosen.  That might be terrible of me to write down, but it's how I feel.  I keep waiting for that day that I will wake up and feel fine about it and to feel ready to close this chapter of grieving so many losses so close together.  It hasn't happened yet.  That book is still being written.  But at the same time, I can say my trust in God hasn't wavered.  I know He is perfect and good and holy.  I know that this is not all about me and how I'm feeling.  This is about Him pursuing me and giving me exactly what I need for my joy in Christ.  

So back to Nathan's birthday.  This was his last day being four.  I found myself hanging around him all day thinking about the "lasts."  This may be my last time to roll through Target with my four year old.  So, of course, we had to get pop and popcorn.
You have to admit that he's adorable.

His last four-year old shower.

 And his last tuck into bed being four :(
Yes, I was crying.  He didn't notice so it's all good.  We read books like Thomas and Caps For Sale and  others that I know he will soon outgrow.

How can it be that on one hand, I'm so happy that he's healthy and happy and five. 

But on the other hand missing him like this...

Happy Birthday, Nathan.

I love you a million and one.


Rebecca Thomas said...

Happy Happy Birthday to Nathan! I was talking about him at my birthday dinner the other day with my family and said "Can you believe Cry-Cry is almost five?" and my mom said "Then he probably doesn't want to be called Cry-Cry." But I will still call him that, so don't worry. I love you and your precious family. You have been such a blessing to me over the years. We will be coming to Ft. Worth soon and need to meet up! And who knows, God may have more in store for you than you know! His plan is perfect! And its annoying that he keeps it a secret!! haha! love you!

Kendra Baird said...

Thank you for this post. I feel this every time my "baby" has a birthday. He is 8 and we never planned on him being our last baby. I have struggled with secondary infertility for the last 7 years and had a stillborn baby in 2012 so I know how you feel. Thank you for putting it out there and I hope you and I are both blessed with a precious baby.

Joyce Bademan said...

I so deeply love your honest heart....knowing God KNOWS and PLANS and can be trusted, yet feeling loss even daily over how fast the days are going by. We all know God called you to be a mother....and a great one you are....
He will not disappoint you with the "things" He has yet planned for you."
Life passages are hard....don't really like the ones I am in either....but they are my reality too.
I love you so much honey. I love how you grew up to be all you are. But I miss you at 3 and 4 years of age too.

Sara Gallagher said...

I love that your mom misses you at ages three and four too. I never thought about our moms still missing our little years with the intensity I feel now. Thanks for that, Joyce! With tears rolling down my face, I am connecting with you in many ways.

Krista Sanders said...

Oh my-- this was hard. Right down to your mom’s comment. Wow.