Sunday, May 1, 2016

Three Years Later

She would have just turned three.  She was due May 1.  Three years ago.

I can't believe over three years have gone by.  Time is just flying by.  Everyone said it would and it does.  Life with five boys, there's always somewhere to be driving, someone to be helping with homework, someone needing love, someone needing discipline, someone needing a listening ear.  So day by day, the time goes by.  These three years have been wonderful.  The boys are getting so fun as they get older.  I'm really enjoying seeing glimpses of how their adultness and how after they aren't my responsibility anymore, that we might just get along just fine (PLEASE, boys, marry well... because I really want to like your wife too!).  Is it crazy that I'm starting to think about those things?  I just told Graham we were going to have a meeting of the minds right after school ends about college savings and what we expect him to contribute?!  I mean, he was JUST a toddler.

So life is full and glorious.  I don't want this to be a completely depressing post.  But I do miss her.  I still think about her every day.  I pass little girl clothes as Target and let my eyes linger for a few seconds because I see something I know I would have picked out for her.  Nathan told me just yesterday his number one wish was for a baby sister (#2 was all the legos in the world so that's really saying something that a sister ranked above that one!).  Several friends have had baby girls in the last couple of years and so, of course, it makes me wish that I was a part of that.  I even feel like I should be a part of that.  There is still an empty feeling that I often have a hard time fighting.

Having another baby is really the first significant thing in my life that I want, but I can't have.  There's no "rainbow baby" in sight.  In fact, we had another miscarriage a couple of years ago.  I sat there in disbelief in the sonogram room... again... sort of numb because on the one hand, I was expecting it to end this way.  But on the other hand... really?  Who has five miscarriages in a row after having five completely healthy pregnancies?  And what is the purpose in this?  Does there need to be a purpose that we see here on Earth when we suffer?  What does it mean when prayers aren't answered?

I guess I write this post because I know we ALL will have suffering.  We will ALL have things, good things, that our hearts want that God does not give us.  Or we may be given things we never wanted.  There's more hardships to come in my life, I know.  There's no escaping death and dying.  There's no escaping the fact that life is difficult.  There will always be that thing that is just beyond our reach.  But the truth is that longing for that thing reminds of our humanness and our need for a Savior.  We were created with that desire that can only be fulfilled in Christ.  And only FULLY fulfilled in heaven when we are with him.  And we shall see Him as He is.

These are the thoughts stewing around in my mind, the things that I think about when I miss her.  I want to remember all the babies we lost.  They are all a part of our family's story.  My boys know the sanctity of life in a way they wouldn't have otherwise.  They've been tenderhearted when I have cried.  These experiences are bittersweet.  But so much of life is.

I have a hard time picking a favorite hymn, but O Love That Will Not Let me Go, is one I can never sing enough...  These days, they are full of joy, full of laughter, full of sin, full of confession, full of grace, full of longing, sometimes sunny, sometimes cloudy, but there IS a love that will never let me go.

O love that will not let me go
I rest my weary soul in thee
I give thee back the life I owe
That in thine ocean depths its flow
My richer, fuller be
O light that followest all my way
I yield my flickering torch to thee
My heart restores its borrowed ray
That in thy sunshines glow its day
May brighter, fairer be
O joy you seek me through the pain
I cannot close my heart to thee
I trace the rainbow through the rain
And feel the promise is not vain
Then morn shall tearless be