Monday, November 26, 2012

That Day

I'm not sure how to begin this post.

A couple weeks ago, at 15 weeks, we lost our baby.

Growing older is a bit sobering.  Lately, especially in the past couple of years, I've been viewing life from a slightly different lens.  I firmly believe God is sovereign over all things, that "all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."  In my more youthful days, the everyday pain and trials of life seemed very far off.  You don't sit and worry about your health when you're 25.  You don't worry about the fact that you may be the 1%, that something at some point might happen unexpectedly that might change your life forever.  My very close friend found out she had cancer when she was 36.  I held my babies and cried with her from afar.  I thought about that day.  That day which starts out normal and then ends with something like a cancer diagnosis.  And I've sat and wondered how I will handle that day when it came.

[Before you read the rest, read this ***]

My day went like this.  It was a Thursday.  I woke up nauseated, like I had every morning for at least two months.  I choked down some breakfast.  But I felt grateful that my mornings weren't as bad as they were a couple of weeks ago.  Mornings were always the worst, and now they were tolerable.  I didn't have to eat three breakfasts to not throw up, only two.  Asher broke his arm on Monday.  Chris took him to the orthopedist to find out whether or not he needed surgery.  I got a text that he didn't.  He would just need a six-week cast.  Praise the Lord.  Really.  Who wants your kid to have surgery?

I was looking forward to some girl time that night.  I'd been in my house nauseated and was feeling lonely, and was thinking about a nice, hot meal on a chilly night in the company of girlfriends who I had known for over a decade.

It was a routine appointment at 3:00.  I didn't want to get a babysitter.  It's just not how I wanted to spend $30.  So I brought the kids with me.  We had already heard the heart beat twice.  In past pregnancies, I had always brought my kids to the appointments.  I didn't for the first three appointments in this pregnancy just in case something was wrong.  But we were in the clear now.  And I was still feeling so sick.  Even at 15 weeks.  So I expected nothing eventful.  Except weight gain, because I felt huge already.

I dropped off Asher and Samuel at Chris's office, so I wouldn't have quite so many kids at the appointment.  We stopped on the way to get me a snack and a Sonic happy hour drink.  I usually wait awhile at my doctor, and I knew I would need food while I waited.  She's wonderful so she has a lot of people who want to see her.  I don't mind waiting.  And there's a movie playing for the kids.  I ate my SmartFood (popcorn) and Diet Cherry Coke while the kids watched Despicable Me and drank their slushes.  Pregnant women came in and out.  I remember feeling proud and confident.  I was sporting a cute belly.  We were finally over this miscarriage thing, and continuing our family. 

They called my name.  Graham chose to stay and finish the movie.  Joseph and Nathan were excited to hear the baby's beating heart.  So we walked back.  I got on the scale.  I had gained 10 pounds.  Yikes. I laughed and told the nurse that I always do this.  Gain my weight up front and then slim down at the end.  She got the doppler out and I laid down on the little bed.  Nathan said in his cute and already impatient voice, "I want to hear the baby make a noise."

To be continued...

[***In writing this, I fully realize there are a lot of people who have deeper problems going on in their life than I do.  I know my life will throw me greater curves than this; this is only the beginning of a long line of things that will be hard... "In this world you will have trouble."  I know I have five blessings in Graham, Asher, Samuel, Joseph, and Nathan.  I know this trial is not the end of the world.  But that doesn't mean that I'm not deeply grieving.  I'm writing this because I feel such loss.  I'm writing this to validate others' losses.  I'm writing this because I believe this tiny life matters to God.  I'm writing this as a part of our family's history.  I'm writing this because I didn't know miscarriage was so difficult to experience until I had one. ]

24 comments:

Jenny said...

Oh Sarah, praying for you as you mourn. God hears our pains over things like this and I'm so so sorry you have to experience it.

Jennifer said...

Oh Sarah...tears are welling up in my eyes as I read your words across the page. I can SO relate to these feelings...the things you speak in detail about...how it was just another routine day.
Before I had Eddie - I had a miscarriage @ 10 weeks. Was it in the timeframe where "everyone" says - "cross your fingers - you never know"? Yes. But it was excruitatingly painful. We grieved and wept and repeated. I was blessed to follow that sorrowful time w/ Eddie and Ella...but it doesn't negate the pain from losing the very first one.
When I was pregnant w/ Ella - I had complications in the begining...I thought history would repeat itself. But alas, it did not. I must say - we are truly blessed. I believe that God used my experience so that I would be able to empathize with other women if it were to happen to them.
I'm sorry that this trial has come into your life. Take comfort in Him... he will carry you through. Hugs to you sister... xoxo

Amy said...

Sarah, so very sorry to hear of your loss. I've been there. ::hugs::

Anonymous said...

Sarah, I am praying for you as you go through this. Sending love your way. Lindsey

Anne said...

Sarah, I'm so sorry.
Please don't feel you need to apologize for not having it "as bad as someone else." Your grief is real and hard and your grieving process is valid.
John and I are praying for you and Chris.

Sara said...

I'm sorry. It is a huge loss for all of you. Grieve and the Lord grieves with you.

Chandra said...

Sweetest Sarah! I am so sad to read this! I am glad you are writing this all out, but my heart hurts for yours and this incredible loss. Keep writing, when you are ready and be affirmed that this is a huge loss, and there will always be "trouble" as you said, but that does not make small your hurt and pain RIGHT NOW. Love you sweetest friend. Praying for you.

Angie said...

Sarah, I am so so sad for you. I have been meaning to email or post and say hello. Your mom spoke at our MOPS group last month and she told me about your pregnancy. I was so excited for you...and now I am just so sad. I will pray for you and your family-that the Lord will be your rock and give you peace and refuge.

Another Texas Family said...

So,so sorry Sarah. Almost 2 years ago we lost a baby (12 week appointment) and I still grieve, even after the loss brought us our beautiful angel through adoption. It STILL hits me sometimes--at the strangest times. It hit me last week while putting up the Christmas tree and I started crying thinking about it. Prayers for your family. I wrote a blog post in the midst of the miscarriage and I can hardly read it to this day because of all the emotions and grief it entails.(http://anothertexasfamily.com/goodbye-little-one/)

Elma said...

Oh I am sooo sorry. This is such a difficult thing to go through. I also lost a baby our nineth one and It sure was hard. I pray that our LORD gives you all you need in the days and weeks to come.

Sarah said...

You know I think of you every day, especially as these weeks are the really really hard ones.

hehehe said...

I'm sorry, Sarah. Praying for you guys.

Georgina said...
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Georgina said...
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Georgina said...

hehehe is me. sorry about that

geed said...

So sorry to hear your sad news, Sarah.This is such a devastating thing to happen no matter how many children you have. You sound such a lovely wife, mom and homemaker and I hope you manage to make time for yourself now, it is so important that you take care of yourself physically and emotionally. My sad losses happened over 25 years ago and I still get teary about them despite having a wonderful loving family.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
xxxxxxxx

Jen said...

Oh my friend...I am so, so sorry. Your loss is real and your feelings are valid and just as legit as anyone's, regardless of how blessed your life is. Do take time to grieve this loss. We are grieving it with you. Praying for you, friend. xoxo

TJ Wilson said...

S- Grateful for your words, your accounting of the details. I'm sorry, S. We are with you.

Liz said...

I'm so sorry to hear you miscarried, Sarah. Praying for you and your family.

Carole Huck said...

My sweet Sarah, I am so sorry to get the news of the miscarriage of your little one. I have dropped in on you a couple of times just imagining how it would be sitting down with a cup of tea and get re-acquainted!! Now I sit here at the computer weeping for your loss, knowing that you and your husband and children had already loved this unborn but living baby! Know that I love you over the miles and years and I am grieving with you and your family. Hugs and love, Carole

nikko said...

Sarah, I'm so sorry for your loss. :o(

Mary Emma said...

oh sarah just read this. so so sorry. you're so strong. glad you got your thought and feelings out about that difficult day. I'm so sorry

Angel said...

Sara, my heart breaks for yours. Yes, you have a lot to be thankful for but that doesn't take away the pain. Your grief is real and much needed. May our God grant you peace and comfort during this season and years to come. Love you!

Niki said...

No words, just tears (often, the kids think I am losing it, maybe I am) and heartache for you, thru these last 3 weeks. Well, also prayers for you and your family continually, and texts, and voicemails. Love you.