Saturday, October 3, 2015

First Day of School

First day of school as a 6th and 8th grader.  

It's strange to say that.  I guess it's more normal to put your five year-olds on the bus and cry because they are so little and are taking such a big step.  I thought it would be more emotional for me, sending these two to a "formal" school.  Maybe it's because they are still home quite a bit.  But I think more than that, they were ready.  I was ready.  It was time.  I think for every family it's different.  As a homeschooler, it's always been hard for me personally to read/see/hear that other homeschooling families that I respect are sending their kids to school, because then it made me doubt my decision to keep ours at home.  But I don't think that has to be the case.  For me, I was feeling in over my head.  I was feeling like it was pushing me to a place of worry and anxiety that I didn't like.  I didn't have confidence that I could get them ready for college.  In those younger grades, I did have confidence that they were getting enough, and that what they weren't getting from me, was being made up for in all the benefits of homeschool (lack of peer influence, extra time spent in creative play, and lots of hours reading).  

This parenting thing is something else.  Young moms, it doesn't feel like you think it will.  I can't believe I'm here.  I was sitting in an ACT prep meeting this summer, wanting to crawl under my chair and go back to the times of changing diapers and Matchbox cars and trips to the zoo and picnics in the park and pureeing baby food.  All of that came more naturally to me.  This stuff, this raising of human beings, it ties my stomach in knots, thinking of that day when they will actually leave our home.  Will they have what they need?  Am I making too complicated?  Am I making it too simple?

But I do know this.  There's lots to stress over.  But I KNOW God loves and cares for my boys even more than I do.  He's equipping them with what they need, aside from MY efforts.  He may be taking away what they want (or what I want for them) because it's for their own good.  And I need to learn to be okay to sit back with my cup of coffee and enjoy being a spectator in what God is doing in their lives and hearts.  It's becomes less about physically serving them, and more about being a guide and an example and a teacher.  But let me tell you, I'm better at the serving than the being.  So this is new for me.  

Maybe by the time that little one in background is a teenager I'll have this parenting thing down.  

But I doubt it ;)

Happy first year of school boys.  I love being your mom!

1 comment:

Sarah said...

Yes you will-but then it's always hindsight right? So we just do the best we can do and pray, pray, pray. You are right, it's so different than when they were little-it was just "fun" then wasn't it? We thought about the day, the immediate, problems that were easy to tackle and those we could see immediate results. Then suddenly we are thinking of them supporting their families, creating relationships and families of their own, and making decisions that impact them for the rest of their lives. It feels heavy to me too, and I have to remind myself it's because I take it seriously and care about their future just like you do. I don't know any other way around it. (But isn't it so nice to have the easy and fun of the little ones mixed in there too?)